Land of 10,000 Lattes

Like all stories from “The Funyun”, the post below is a work of satire, parody, and fiction.  While the names of famous people and actual events are referenced, this story should not be considered a valid news source.

Darrell Bevell joins the Seattle Seahawks after five years as Offensive Coordinator for the Minnesota Vikings and has already brought Sidney Rice (left), Tarvaris Jackson (center), and Frank Walker (unpictured) with him. Pete Carroll is currently courting Vikings LB Ben Leber (right) thinking this could yield 2005-type results.

After pulling off the biggest upset of the NFL postseason in 2010, the Seattle Seahawks and head coach Pete Carroll hope to build off that season in 2011.  Carroll was excited by making it to the divisional round of the NFC playoffs but feels his team can do better.  “It has always been our goal to play in an NFC Championship game.  We fell one game shy of that goal last season and I knew we had to make the right draft picks and bring in the right staff and players to make that possible.”  In pursuing the Halas Trophy, the Seahawks have made some major additions this offseason.

The Seahawks started by bringing in offensive guru Darrell Bevell who spent the last five years under Brad Childress and the Minnesota Vikings and parting ways with Pro-Bowl  quarterback Matt Hasslebeck.   While in Minneapolis, Bevell saw the Vikings win the NFC North twice and come within an interception of playing in Super Bowl XLIV.   In going to Seattle, Darrell Bevell brought two of his own offensive players, quarterback Tarvaris Jackson, and the All-Pro young deep threat Sidney Rice.  In recent days, cornerback Frank Walker has followed his Vikings teammates to the Pacific Northwest and the Seahawks are currently in talks with the hard-hitting veteran linebacker, Ben Leber, also from the Minnesota Vikings.

Head coach Pete Carroll has long admired the Minnesota Vikings franchise.  He served as the defensive backs coach for Minnesota from 1985 – 1989 and even interviewed for the head coaching position in 1992 before losing out to Dennis Green.  “It was great being part of a franchise like the Vikings fresh off the departure of Bud [Grant].” Carroll said, ” He’s a Hall of Fame coach who led the Vikings to four Super Bowl appearances.  He was a great mentor to me in teaching me the importance of coming close to winning a championship.  I took that same philosophy to USC and brought it with me here.  In LA, we came close consistently and when we did win, we were fortunate the NCAA took that title away.”

When asked about the what Darrell Bevell brings to the Seahawks, Carroll remarked that, “Darrell has a great offense and knows better than anyone how to get a team in the NFC Championship.  A few years ago, Mike [Holmgren] was able to lead this team to a Super Bowl loss and we need to get back to that tradition here in Seattle.  Mike had a simple formula: bring in your old back-up for Brett Favre and fill the roster with capable wide receivers.  That’s the value of Darrell bringing in guys like Tarvaris and Sidney.  I really believe Tarvaris is a guy we can throw under center week 1 and he can help us almost win right now.  Both guys are going to help us to to come close to winning  a championship.”

Carroll went on to explain, “We aren’t Pittsburgh, Green Bay, or New England, but we’re definitely not a Cleveland, Detroit, or Houston either.  Seattle is a city that needs to have hope and see their team almost win but we know we can never truly compete.  For the last fifty years, nobody has walked that line better than the Minnesota Vikings.”  He went on to say, “Bud Grant taught me the value of almost winning and Mike brought that tradition here.  I think we’ve put ourselves in a position to appear in the NFC Championship game.”

Carroll has received a lot of attention for having a DJ on the field during practices and the locker room TVs show the movie Ace Ventura: Pet Detective at least once a day.  Defensive tackle Brandon Mebane said, “There is just a lot we can learn from Ray Finkle and his ‘Kick heard ’round the World.”

Wide receiver Mike Williams was excited about the prospect of Sidney Rice being a part of the team saying, “Sidney is a guy who has been there and almost won.  To get a guy like that, like Randy Moss and Cris Carter, who has come so close  …. he’s going to help us get back to 2005 form.”   When asked about other free agent additions, Williams said, “It was great to get Leroy Hill back on board because he gives us a leader who has been on the cusp of winning a championship and now to see Coach Tom [Cable] bring guys in like [Robert] Gallery and [Zach] Miller who have not had a chance to be a playoff team.  They are going to be hungry to make it to the NFC Championship game.”

Since that Super Bowl berth, the Seattle Seahawks have lost grasp of a division they once dominated as the Arizona Cardinals took the division and even made it all the way to the Super Bowl a few years back.   The Rams have their quarterback of the future in Sam Bradford and new coach Jim Harbaugh in San Francisco promises to shake things up for the 49ers.  Offensive Coordinator Darrell Bevell feels that the Seahawks are primed to repeat in the NFC West this season.

Andre Reed played in and lost 4 straight Super Bowls, finished his career in 2000 with 951 receptions, and is waiting on the call from Canton. Would he consider one last "almost win" to solidify his HOF bid?

“It was a great feeling to play that game in New Orleans two years ago, and I only hope we can host a championship here.  I know Tarvaris and he’s been working in the offseason and the two years of mentoring from Brett Favre is only going to help.  Sidney has proven to be a guy that can almost win and should we ever set our expectations too high, I know that I can count on him to surprise us all with an unexpected surgery and bring us back down to Earth.”

Carroll also mentioned that while talks remain ongoing with the Viking’s Ben Leber they have also reached out to Brett Favre, Randy Moss, Bryant McKinnie, and even inquired about a possible trade for Bernard Berrian.  There is a lot of hope in Seattle these days with players feeling that they could play in the NFC Championship game this year and find themselves back in 2005 form so they can play in a Super Bowl.  Bevell even noted that the Seahawks had reached out to Andre Reed and Cris Carter in the last week just to see if they would like one last chance to almost win a Super Bowl and solidify their Hall of Fame bids by being on a Super Bowl runner-up.

“Just to get to go to Indianapolis or New Orleans and be on the field while Tom Brady, Ben Roethlisberger, or Peyton Manning win another ring,” said quarterback Tarvaris Jackson, “that would be the experience of a lifetime.”

Questions? Comments? Snide Remarks? Let me hear ’em!

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The Legacy of a Freak

According to reports that came out earlier today, Randy Moss has officially filed his retirement papers with the NFL.  While that does not mean we will never see Randy Moss on an NFL playing field again (his teammate of a month last season could tell you that); it does at least raise the possibility.   This is however, a player that already took a two year sabbatical in Oakland only to come back to the game with the greatest receiving season of all time in 2007, so I personally have a hard time believing he is done.  As a Vikings fan, I would love to see him finish the career the way it started – in purple, in the Metrodome, reviving the career of an aged former Eagles’ quarterback while passing the 15,000 yard and 1000 reception plateau.  I really do believe that Moss would still offer an upgrade at the wide receiver position to at least half of the teams in the NFL.   However, if Moss is indeed retired, what is his legacy?  How can I even begin to describe the player whose talent is indescribable?

Over a 13 year career, Randy Moss wowed fans with his athleticism.

The Viking’s Offensive Coordinator during Randy Moss’s rookie year, Brian Billick, once stated that Moss had a combination of height, speed, hands, and leaping ability that the NFL had never before seen and might never see again.  He went on to say that, “Every field or court he’s ever stepped on to play whatever game he was going to play, he was the best athlete.”   Patriots coach Bill Bellichick has referred to Moss as one of the most intelligent and greatest players that he had ever coached.   There is no doubt that Randy Moss is an incredibly gifted athlete and one of the greatest receivers to ever play the game but how will he be remembered?

I find it next to impossible to accurately describe the athletic capabilities of Randy Moss.  Sure I could throw out his 153 touchdown receptions, 14,858 yards receiving, and his 954 career receptions.  I could talk about his 29 career touchdowns of more than 50 yards or his 64 100 yard games.   I could mention that he has the 5th most touchdowns all-time of any non-quarterback.  I could remind you of his rookie record of 17 receiving touchdowns in 1998 or his all-time single season record of 23 receiving touchdowns in 2007.   But if I really want to describe the physical presence and game-changing ability of Randy Moss, I really need to only write one sentence:

On the two highest scoring offenses in NFL history (1998 Vikings and 2007 Patriots), Randy Moss was the highest scoring player.

I am usually not so good at being that straight to the point but that’s the simplest way to describe Moss’s athletic prowess.   Now in his “retirement” many have raised concern that Randy Moss was “not as great as he could have been”.   I would agree with that assessment.  Jerry Rice was twice the wide receiver Randy Moss is with only half the talent.  However Rice did not change the game quite like Randy did.  If indeed Moss was not at 100% for the majority of his career, than his numbers are even more staggering and an even stronger testament to his incredible ability.

I still remember the first time that I watched “the Freak” play on TV.   It was Week 5 of the 1998 NFL season and my parents let me stay up for Monday Night Football  to watch the Vikings, play against my favorite quarterback, Brett Favre, and the Green Bay Packers at Lambeau Field.   I remember that first possession as Randall Cunningham took the snap and threw the ball deep down the field to Randy Moss and he almost effortlessly reeled it in and ran for a 75 yard touchdown.  I had never seen anything quite like it.

Cris Carter had always been my favorite player growing up, and still is, and while all Carter did, “was catch touchdowns”, I knew that he could not do what this kid Randy had just done.  The 75 yard touchdown pass was called back due to an offensive holding call but it didn’t seem to hurt as Randy Moss would have 5 more receptions in the game for 190 yards and 2 touchdowns leading the Vikings to a perfect 5-0 record.  While many knew that Moss was special at the time, they had no idea he had just changed the entire landscape of the NFL.

It is my belief that the NFL has had five major turning points in the  Super Bowl era:

  1. The AFL’s New York Jets’ upset of the NFL’s Baltimore Colts in Super Bowl III which led to the AFL-NFL merger (1969)
  2. Hank Stram introducing the league to Gatorade and having it on the sidelines in the Kansas City Chiefs shocking route of the Minnesota Vikings in Super Bowl IV (1970)
  3. Lawrence Taylor and Harry Carson of the New York Giants sacking Washington Redskins quarterback Joe Theismann from his blind side on Monday Night Football and ending his career (1985)
  4. Randy Moss’s Week 5  dominating performance at Lambeau Field on Monday Night Football (1998)
  5. The re-introduction of instant replay and the introduction of coach’s challenges into the NFL (1999)

Just to be perfectly clear, I am suggesting that, like many of his acrobatic catches, Randy Moss singlehandedly changed professional football.  In the same way that Babe Ruth and Jackie Robinson changed baseball, Wayne Gretzky changed hockey, and Michael Jordan changed basketball – Randy Moss changed the NFL.

First off, I really do believe that the 5th major turning point I mention (re-introduction of instant replay) was due in part to the fact that nobody could believe that a rookie wide receiver was able to leap above three defenders, catch the ball, come down with both feet inbounds, and shake off those same three defenders to run for a touchdown.  I have seen the footage of Moss’s Monday Night Football game against the Packers and his Thanksgiving football game against the Cowboys dozens of times, and 13 years later – I am still amazed.

His greater impact though is that he changed the way the game was played.  Brian Billick and Dennis Green (Vikings Head Coach 1992 – 2001) were two of the best offensive minds in the NFL during the 1990’s and both have mentioned how when it came to Randy Moss they had to forget everything they thought they knew about offense because when it came to Randy Moss, the same rules of offense just did not apply.   After his Week 5 coming out party on national television, teams everywhere were aware of what he could do and they still could not stop him.   Traditional defensive schemes did not seem to work.

Teams would put two, three, even four defenders at times on Moss and he would still find the endzone.  If he had not been playing opposite field from one of the greatest possession receivers of all time, they might have defended the Freak even more.

Following an impressive Week 5 against the Green Bay Packers, Moss would face the Packers again in Week 12 at the Metrodome.  The Packers were able to slow Moss down some but not by much.  The Vikings won 28 – 14 and Randy Moss had 8 receptions for 153 yards and a touchdown.   His statistical line against Green Bay  (who had appeared in the previous two Super Bowls)  in 1998 was better than some wide receivers had for the entire season.

As a result the following season the Green Bay Packers used their first four draft picks on defensive players – a free safety, two cornerbacks, and a defensive tackle.   The Tampa Bay Buccaneers, another divisional opponent, used the majority of their draft picks on the defensive players who would help lead them to a Super Bowl victory a few years later.   Never before had one player so obviously affected the draft choices of another team.

When I look at the NFL today, I see it being commonplace for safeties like Troy Polamalu and Ed Reed to play “over the top” to prevent the big play.  I see the contracts that have been paid to “shut-down” cornerbacks like Nnamdi Asomugha and Darelle Revis.   I assure you that when Asomugha receives the first check of his new contract, he had better send a thank you note to Randy Moss.   Because like Lawrence Taylor made a strong left tackle a necessity, Randy Moss bolstered the importance of safeties and cornerbacks.

The NFL that we watch today is very much a passing league with a lot more deep passing routes than previously seen.  Much like Roger Bannister’s four-minute mile, it took Randy Moss showing the NFL that you could succeed with a pass heavy offense before it really became a trend in the NFL.  Wide receivers like Braylon Edwards, Larry Fitzgerald, Andre Johnson, and Reggie Wayne have had success in offenses that were developed as a result of Randy Moss.

Antics like mooning the fans at Green Bay distract many from his athletic accolades

If Randy Moss has indeed retired, he will surely have a press conference.  Knowing him, he will even interview himself.  And over the next few days phrases like “straight cash homey” and mentions of “squirting referees”, “bashing police cars”, “mooning fans”, and “screaming at caterers” are sure to be mentioned when talking about his legacy.   These antics offended many fans and are sure to affect how Moss is remembered.

We will be reminded of how he famously told us all that, “I play when I want to play.”  And the fact of the matter is, right now, nobody’s offering him enough straight cash so he does not want to play.  But when he did play, it was like nothing we have ever seen before.  Offensive gurus had to create new playbooks,  defenses had to create new schemes, and teams had to change their entire drafting strategy.

And at the end of the day – that, more than anything, is the Freak’s legacy.

Questions? Comments? Snide Remarks?  Let me hear ’em!